so much

for being really bestfriends, trio?
apparently, we're not friends anymore? oh hey thanks!
if you guys really care then, you'd guys would try to fix this too but if not.
Alright, im not stopping you both.

always

&& everything
has to be so stubborn
i tried talking but all you did was get mad.. how am i suppose to say sorry.
i didn't mean to underestimate you guys, i just assumed..

i wish

you guys would understand and let me taalk, don't avoid me like i'm such a stranger to you guys now..
on the real, today during class, honestly, i can't believe that you moved because i sat behind you and that i guess you didn't want to even be near me.. but you know i never been like this to you when things get so rough at times.. i never let you down and i don't try to even.

on the real, all i need is support. i gave you guys the support when things are shakey..

im in need

to be relax and less fustrated..
i don't want NO ONE, not you or you or even you guys.. to be in any type of problem..
i want you guys to be happy..

last of it.

“sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve"

I think I've been reminding myself that all the time, i've caught myself saying over and over. Things are really over but I don't think they are. I was wondering through the time being how i miss you're comfort, the way you call me BABY, that feeeling that i'm going to miss.The way you held me made me feel i was needed/cared/special. I want to thank you for making me alot stronger when i didn't need to be weak. You gave me those feeelings that i wanted to feel when i was with someone, like you. You gave me the feedback i needed to have, whether we had our really horrible rollercoaster, i can see myself knowing that i can pass all of that and see that i can make this rollercoaster perfect at least somewhat. I never thought i'd end up leaving and just put myself in the position. I never thought i had the guts to do what just happened. Maybe, its just i'm really fed up with the problems we have, maybe i had enough with all the same thing and later the outcomes comes around and it never really meant anything to even say. I remember how i'd look at you, and you looked at me and the first time you said those three words, by the way my heart skipped a beat (that was probably corny) but it was true.

The reason why i don't think that they're exactly over is because I'm still thinking of you, but it won't matter because you're always going to be apart of me. I look at my girls relationships and observed them and how they are with eachother, seriously, i wish we were that great but this is where we ended up but i know this isnt over, completely it's just over right now. Loooking pass everything and looking at our pictures makes me wonder how far we woulda went if we didn't have that big blow up, we woulda had the best capablitiy to do what's best for us. Lastnight, i read you're card you gave me, yeah it made me cry because it was something that brought to my attention before i went to bed.

Sometimes, I'm jus ready for the worst at the bad times but I'm learning from everything. Don't get me wrong, this isnt completely over, its just over now.

just breathe

There's always a matter of stressful situations in every person but for me, i never had so much in my head. I try to face it but i can see myself backing down from it and let it take over me. I never really imagine if i was in the position i am right now and i can't even face it and manage it on my own...i need someone to help me get through but the people that i ask, i always just wanted adivce,opinions&othaaa stuff. i want to learn to do it on my own, forreals this time. i need to get this right.

There's part of me where i just let things go, or i just let it stick to me and i feel like im doing something wrong when really i'm not. i do what i want and when i want, who gives a fuck on what i do? right. my decisions. there's things like i shouldn't even do because i was hurt and yet, am i going to go back because i need to know if that thing really changed? if HE really changed? since he is basically losing me, already. He realizes i guess alot more since this whole break up. Yeah, i didn't takee the opportunity when he wanted that second chance, that he was going to forgive me, but forreals?! you didn't take THOSE OPPORTUNITIES,THOSE CHANCES,& THOSE ADVANTAGES when you had that perfect chance to redeem yourself to me all this time. and what you do? you just basically i guess expect me to give you another chance. THATS NOT THE CASE anymore.

i didn't break you're heart, you broke mine. you say i broke your heart because i decided to break up and thats when you started to become weak.. yeah, im sorry but you obviously don't know that my heart was already broken in pieces and i was expecting you to put it back together by taking those chances! prove me right and prove everyone else wrong! yeah, i know you don't give a fuck about everyone else, but SOMETIMES everyone are two of my bestfriends.

My bestfriends, just care enough. ONE OF THEM tried helping you're ass out. she tried convincing me to still stay with you or go back to you, but obviously it just went the opposite direction from all this. i just don't know.

i'm certain sometimes about you, but i'm doubting the certainty about you.. it makes me sad because usually in the beginning with you, i was MOST DEF. CERTAIN about you til' now it isnt the answer i wanted..not the way i thought things would be..

i do want to come back, but i'm uncertain..

remember these words

"Baby, I know You swore that You'd never break your heart no more
But We just can’t leave eachother alone..."
- But one day, it feels like one of us will be ready to just leave eachother alone and stick with it for the best.

you had me at hello

on the real, i know your situation and i understand it completely. But you gotta understand why i'm doing this to you, its not because i want you to suffer, no. Its because i want you to know what you're really gona lose if you ACTUALLY lose me in the end if i gave you that one more chance. Honestly, i never told you to wait, do what you gotta do even though i know you're not going to. Its hard for me, i think you know that. I just don't want try to take another risk and getting hurt again and i'll look like a fool knowing that i should never gave it to you. All my decisions are not even certain to this point. There's alot of unsure things with my answers, you made it hard for me. Yeah, i want my time, let me. You decide to wait, but don't expect me to say something. But i'll tell you one thing for sure, that i'll go to you whether i already lost you or not, whether you don't want me or not, Ima go to you. Maybe, if you don't want me back, i'll probably fight for you, but sooner or later you know me i'll give in and start to respect it. I love you so much, people know that i care about you so much. Crying isnt gona make things better, i gotta do what i need for myself also though not what you need but i what i need. You and I need to know that for eachother. I push myself away from you because i don't wana deal or talk about what's going between you and i, you already know i've yelled at you not to even talk about it because i don't wana think about it. I feel like i've been missing something part of me.. i loook our pictures, it fuckin sucks, seriously. Yeah i know i need you and you need me, but i most def need alot of time and space and all of that stuff, yes its a permanently a break up. All your homies from what you say to me, that i'll come back, i won't leave you. I wont leave you but I'm unsure if i'll come back. There's alot of things going through my head and its all about you. What do i want?! Should i still be with him?! What do i need to do to make my self statisfied, happy & etc.?! I need to learn to think about myself, not just for you or for us about ME.

i have alot to think about still, there's alot on my mind, still. I wana go to Homecoming with you but like i said, but i don't even know i really should go anyways, im so fed up, im sick of my life. I'm tired of having a stressful life. It's so fustrating.

Just you know, let things be. I know for a fact i won't make you wait too long, trust me. you'll know when.

maybe its true.

lately, things are jus like WHOA. honestly, i've never really expected things to feel this different, i mean yeah its senior year but on the real why does it have to feel different? its not that i don't like it but i want to know why though. I guess people changed. I even noticed, shit is HELLA diffferent. For me, the people i've gotten close are always going to matter to me, either we faded or not. Senior year its jus another journey that i'm ready to conquer. Today, i had an assembly for college and stuff, gahd everyone one of us seniors we're just knocking the fuck out, sad though but i tried staying awake cos sometimes, i do want to know how things are and how things work for college i think i'm excited to meet that very first day of college knowing that i'm already in my own world, my own life i make my decisions and its up to me and always me no one else. I've started to learn to choose the best for me. I'm still learning to deal with the bumps and the rough times i'm going through, i never ready to give up but i'm ready to live it up with no regrets why i never give up. School is school yknow, i'm trying to focus more and start listening, even though im so freakin' tired, i'm right there listening too i even catch myself paying attention, weird right but i really gotta prove to myself i can do it. NO MORE FUCKIN UP no more c's in this case. I have so much to worry about in the future, college, sat's, grades, getting accepted ( but i'm not even sure yet, i'm just doing it to see if i could get accepted and qualified) but other than that i wana try and prove to myself im not lazy i can actually do it if i just try to focus alot more and not get distracted.

---it feels nice have just only 5 classes, i love it. I get to rest i even see my boyfriend almost everyday of my life. (: he's happy, well he better be! it never used to be this complicated or easy for us. Its now so easy that we can jus not fight as much. We still fight, its our daily doses knowing that we still love eachother and showing we still have that love. there's alot of things going through my head between him and i, since he's prolly going to the navy, which is i don't know, i mean HEY, my boyfriend is gona be a discipline guy!! (: hahaha. The scale of our relationship is at least about an 7.5 before it was above the scale and the lowest it went was about a 2, cos we had so many rough times it was jus >:[ yea!

----------other cases, i miss us trio, i wish it was us again NO ELSE well i mean not no else but i mean the people we go through, secrets we will share and keep it and never spill. that was us like a year ago till people started disappointing people but i still love you guys ALOT. i mean disappointments happen right? but i guess. I STILL LOVE US,TRIO at walnut HAHAHA. (: